Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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