I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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