Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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