Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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