Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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