Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
