My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
do herpes really smell.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
