I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
