Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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