Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
