finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The air taste purple.
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