i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
