you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
