So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
