I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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