How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
