i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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