I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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