he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
