I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
