We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
