So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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