I think I died a long time ago.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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