i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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