I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
