There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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