I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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