The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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