Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
