Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
