at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
