Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
