I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
