Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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