In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
