Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize