She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
