Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
