Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
