you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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