I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
