Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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