He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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