12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
