We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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