So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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