got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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