Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
