I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
