Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
