Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
this hospital has no fireball
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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