sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
