Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
