The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
