Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
