He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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