I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
