My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
