You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
