If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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