He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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