Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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