Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
