did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
