proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
