I think I won the penis lottery.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize