finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
